yes or no. go. stay. don’t call me. why haven’t i heard from you? i think he’s depressed. his friend killed himself at this time of  year a few years ago. he’s upset. it’s winter. he’s not noticed that it’s been weeks since the lastime we spoke. months since we saw each other. & he calls me a “friend.”

i’m glad i never fucked him. he’s unstable. unavailable, they’d say in 12 steps. he doesn’t care about anything but getting sex on demand–on his schedule. he doesn’t care to send anything better than mixed messages.

 it doesn’t matter. you want a bengali husband? the Universe said & laughed. Her laugh was playful, sinister, knowing. let me show you your bengali husband.

he’s 28. saturn return. his saturn must be in one of those unbalanced signs. scorpio, leo, gemini. aries. violent, ambivalent. addicted.

he resents his parents. his features take after his mother.

why did he even seek me out? he asked me out, kissed me, got in bed with me & said he wasn’t looking for anything. liar. he cooks dinner for me once & shows me his short temper. repressed rage misdirected at the one who requested him. who prayed for a lover whose skin matched her own shade.

be careful what you beg for. you’ll get it.

rare, sparse conversations full of tension & doubt. you never opened up, let me enter, all because flesh was off limits. not a shred of willpower remains. we can never talk again because if we do, my words will be, “bring some condoms over.”

the ribbed kind.

he wouldn’t tell me when the last time for him was. i’d been celibate for 8 months when we met. he hid everything from me, knowing i’d be disappointed & move on.

let go. leave it behind. it was a good try. but it’s gone as far as it could. i got fucked & left again but this time, no sex to speak of.

i know where my feet are. right here. across the water of the bay, you’ll stay oversexed & underpresent. there are many others. other women who won’t ask where your dick’s been.

breath is even until i forget to keep it going. force myself to relax, to let go.

yeah. i thought i was ready, too.

the first male skin i touched in years. the first lips i kissed after an eternity of silence. when i say goodbye you will play ambiguity, ignorance. those masks that don’t fit me anymore.

the silence has lived too long. no phone calls in months. & the lastime i saw you, i hated what i saw. what i heard. a voice angrily raised above mine; over nothing. a shallow conversation about whether the masa you made tamales with were truly vegan.

you scared me. that’s when i really knew. because i said nothing to put you in your place. because you would have called that “processing.”

mixed messages. silence. a weak excuse. how many months of this?

breathe. exhale him out of my system. see, it’s easy. it gets easier.

nets for catching gods or fish

hieroglyphs & 3rd eyes

the virgin & mastercard rosaries

 artemis dressed as siva

numbered stairs

leading where globular life forms

bulge voluptuous

stone phallus one against the other

black figures dance across a vase’s

memory of orange; the cracked surface

of a young girl against her father’s gaze;

 volcanic jesus

clipped of color; obscure; mummied;

& vulgar sculptures heart-shaped +

blackened by rain glyphed like lines on

palms

II.

the virgin & mastercard rosaries

 numbered stairs

hieroglyphs & 3rd eyes

leading where globular life forms

artemis dressed as siva

bulge voluptuous

nets for catching gods or fish

striptease

glyphed like lines on

palms

clipped of color; obscure; mummied;

black figures dance across a vase’s

memory of orange;

volcanic jesus

stone phallus one against the other

the cracked surface

of a young girl against her father’s gaze;

 vulgar sculptures heart-shaped &

blackened by rain

sky behind bars false skins & heads

fake blue ocean wannabe prayer call

holes in walls white too clean ice blue

stone steps leading in spiral chartreuse

silks missing bodies fallen words &

kings trailing lights in white hands

dark beards fire raised above heads

sundaze in ceremony black leather

uniform cake or coffin atop shoulders

men’s eyes solemn or closed like

spiral moves on stone flowers

sunlight of dawn orange moon

royal stripes blurred against mortar

nets for catching gods or fish indigo

memories hieroglyphs & 3rd eyes

the virgin & mastercard rosaries &

chewingum female silhouettes cola

stained teeth origami multicolored

plastic tomorrow’s imprints the color

of mourning; white; artemis dressed as

siva chalk drawings on asphalt black

robes against morning; numbered stairs

leading where globular life forms

bulge voluptuous placed on pedestals

beige mountains stone phallus one

against the other untranslated story

blood dripped from purple desire

dance hand in fist in circles

bonnet & sideswiped eyes fuchsia &

sunshine stolid & studious glassed

in between bricks bottled in pink or

blue severed heads openmouthed

agate bellybuttoned spheres entitled

ulysses painted white warrior stance

spring arrived in a truck uncycled

sky filtered thru branches watery

paths puddles deep as rivers concentric

circles flowing to doorsteps unaddressed

unfound delivered from paranoia

metal rails for fingers lost on turrets

black figures dance across a vase’s

memory of orange; the cracked surface

of a young girl against her father’s gaze;

the bloody passion of savage people; purple

bled into blue water stuck between bricks

+ flowers a line of stone men ponder

the inevitability of error; unadorned

except with white cloth plastic breasts

& waxed bikini scarlet hills eyes fondle

rock colored by mars’ gaze; volcanic jesus

clipped of color; obscure; mummied;

ancient trunks reaching earth’s core;

preaching phallus one against another;

columns sliced like cake; the theatre

crosses the neck reverential; striptease

& vulgar sculptures heart-shaped +

blackened by rain glyphed like lines on

palms; mouth open in song; outlooking;

inlaid stones underfoot tortured christened

stray cats; unnamed except in blue ink

light the color of a lime’s skin pig’s

head for hat; foil goddess framed

mosaic saint underfoot easterly oriented trees

stolen rhythms pink halters lipsticked

mannequins insist on red; carved wooden

wings bloodstained as mary gold like money

stories told in 4 colors; fishnets + stilettos

curls on cheek children of a dark age

outreach arms to dance against religion;

stone stripes byzantine braids around neck;

bare legs on independence day; spike heels

clipping cobblestone; twisted silver crossed

yellow lined decapitated skyline moving on

water

© 2008 tahminah zaman//N.A.M.A.A.Z productions