it’s only been a day.

 i took care to wear red today. to celebrate benazir’s life. her successes. her effectiveness. her motherhood. her living martyrdom. i wore hot pink for benazir’s love, her impossible passion. yellow hat & citrine stones for creativity.

i decided to take a partial vow of silence to contemplate the everyday violence around me. saying only the words that are most necessary. i’m going to spend new year’s day doing a silent retreat at amma’s ashram in san ramon. sitting, writing, &  not speaking for almost a whole day. a quietude i need to start the new sun cycle.

leftovers from dinner in the fridge: curried eggplants in tomato sauce, red quinoa stewed in mushrooms curried with lamb. i had company. a break from the solitude delivered by this chilled winter. it felt good to cook for someone, to feed my west indian friend from scratch with the foods our mothers ate. the spices they called home. we called our ancestors with cinnamon sticks & crushed garlic, bay leaf & skinned ginger. i’ve been seeking comfort these past two days. protection from fear & hopelessness. deciding to accept death as part of life & trusting the universe unconditionally.

when life is taken, life is given. i want to believe. i think. i believe.

give enough. birth.

i raised my sons to be peaceful, to challenge their father.

i raised them to die honest men.

On 27 December 2007, Benazir Bhutto was killed whilst leaving a campaign rally for the PPP at Liaquat National Bagh, where she had given a spirited address to party supporters in the run-up to the January 2008 parliamentary elections. After entering her bulletproof vehicle, Bhutto stood up through its sunroof to wave to the crowds. At this point, a Lashkar i Jhangvi assassin on a motorcycle took the opportunity to shoot at her with a pistol. The assassin then detonated explosives stored about his person, killing approximately 20 people.

She told me that she did not fear death. 

Bhutto knew going back to Pakistan was dangerous, but said her return was “final and irrevocable.” When talking to an old college classmate in October, she spoke like someone that always knew death was near. One of her current transits is Neptune trine Neptune, and perhaps that gave her spiritual comfort, and an ability to see beyond her own life span.

                  moments before death       i looked

                  up at my nurse & told her that i could

                  very clearly

                                 see

                                        her wings

                                                                 take my breath/i don’t fear

                                                                 death// the thought of dying

                                                                 only makes me work harder

                                                                                                           to find you

                                                                                 to wake to        freedom

Al-Qaeda spokesman Mustafa Abu Al-Yazid claimed responsibility for the attack, describing Bhutto as “the most precious American asset.” The Pakistani government also stated that it had proof that al-Qaeda was behind the assassination. A report for CNN stated: “the Interior Ministry also earlier told Pakistan’s GEO-TV that the suicide bomber belonged to Lashkar i Jhangvi — an al-Qaeda-linked Sunni Muslim militant group that the government has blamed for hundreds of killings”. According to the government of Pakistan, Baitullah Mehsud was named as the mastermind behind the assassination. Lashkar i Jhangvi, a Wahabi Muslim extremist organization affiliated with al-Qaeda that also attempted in 1999 to assassinate former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, was responsible for the killing of the 54-year-old Bhutto along with approximately 20 bystanders.

                                                                                                                                                         don’t make this about factions

                                                                                                                                                            & fake ass confessions

                                                                                                                                                when it’s the same perpetrator

                                                                                                                                                         war monger pussy exploiter

                                                                                                                                                                    global killer it’s always been

                                                  US

 ”On a number of occasions she told me that

she did not fear death.

It was one of the dangers of playing

politics in Pakistan.”

 my altar to you will be red,

not white. fertility, not death,

is what we will remember;

                                        a mother’s labor 2 give life

                                                                 2 a nation

                                                             red for the daughters who will be

                                                     named for you.

                                                             for the courage with which  you tried

                                                                        to redeem a history

                                                              with only two hands

compassion for violence? how? with death orders on the lives of political east indian/south asian women worldwide, now is the time to remember that every word’s a risk. every stance. every desire carries meaning & the promise of consequences for each revelation. when Benazir was killed along with 20 others, the planets were colliding over Tehran and the “heart” of the US. her assassination is likely to have a devastating effect on the US, in the forms of influencing the upcoming presidential elections & causing much grief to women & men in the diaspora in North America & our Iranian kin.

                                                                 brown girls got     brains

                                                                               we str8 up intelligentsia;

                                                                     got the keys 2 the kingdom

                                                                             but the boys be hatin

                                                         be takin all the credit 4 our gains;

                                                                           they be rapin us on dates

                                                                               makin fun of our pain

                                                                              raisin their voice 2 show

                                                                        they reign

                                                                                             //  i got no regrets;

                                                                                             only fulfillments

                                                        hate on me, hater
                                                        now or later
                                                        cause I’m gonna do me
                                                        you’ll be mad, baby
                                                        go ‘head and hate on me, hate on
                                                                                              

                                                                                                    i’m not afraid of
                                                                                              what i got 2 pay for

you cannot hate on me
cause my mind is free
feel my destiny
so shall it be