my guide
January 6, 2009
if i open unto myself
if i open myself
what left will there be?
if i speak
my name
if i leave
my trace
betrayal
of silence
loyalty to the familiar
i am released
from my roots
and there is nothing
but sky
i went somewhere with you, i don’t remember where. i can’t sleep tonight and i’ve drunk too much wine to read any stories out of a book. i don’t want to write this and i won’t be able to sleep until i do.
unravel the vision, i suppose.
the roots that ran from my belly to the center of the earth held me, rocked me, and released me to follow my destiny. they were like the flowers in frida’s “my nurse and me,” like the vines of flowers or the ducts for milk that wait in each breast for the chance to feed a child. and then i was rising, released from my roots into the sky, the same sky that i was afraid to look at when i was little for fear that i could fall upside down into that unpredictable eternity.
all this traveling through air and cloud vapor brings me to you. you are there, you are whole, you are brown and beautiful. i see a home in the hills of berkeley, i see trees and love and a woman in a warm wooden room with a computer. there are long layers of black hair speckled with gray, there is that symbol of strength i conjure and project onto myself in all my dreams. after four years of short hair, have i ever dreamt myself as i look?
i ask you if you are still afraid of money, terrified of love, and you embrace me. there are no words to wash away my questions, yet they are answered. i can feel the swell of wealth everywhere, i look at the wise eyes absorbing the fear in my questions without a change in expression, a look of love and complete acceptance of all we have seen, all we have done. even the shame is wiped away.
i watch you closely as you break away from me to be surrounded by three daughters, your long hair clinging to their collars as they gather around you like a halo. i look for traces of sorrow, of struggle, of discontent in your face and cannot find them. and then there is m, our lover, who joins the embrace. everything i ever wanted is in this room. after watching you a long time as you, my mother, my lover, my guide, my future self, my essence show me the truth of my destiny, i turn to leave knowing i will return. knowing the next stage of my life will bring me closer to that moment of love we witnessed together.
© t zaman 2009
