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this was supposed to be a love poem. i was supposed to mention: sunlight lined in silver. bittersweet like separation. like the formation of self-knowledge. solitary, inescapable. terrifying.

but i am afraid to write a love poem. to concretize desire. to speak in ink. irrevocable. permanent. are words simply acts irreversible? immune to erasure. evil eye. evil tongue. assassins waiting with death spells.

i am afraid of words. their power to destroy. to embody. to represent. i ask god to show me my destiny. it’s not the images but the words that surprise me. the masks matching those pictures.

i am afraid of being attacked for my words. for writing. for speaking. afraid that these pages will testify against me. i am no longer certain that i can die for my love of words.

each letter. each utterance. a risk.

               words break things

               like dreams

               promises

               wishes given to gifts

                                                      words can destroy

                                                      beyond recognition

                                                      sent like hurricanes

                                                      exploding this chamber

           of red silk

           the walls still sing

           of your rhythms

           contract, desirous

                                     words can break

                                     bones & spirits

                                    drown cities in waves

                                    & move mountains

                                                             words can redeem

                                                             damn or bless

                                                             words do nothing less

                                               than build & break                                                                                    

                                                                                 chains   binding   desire

i am afraid to use words. punctuation marks of what i can see. feel with my hands. words don’t understand the not-concrete. the subtle. words don’t match the acts required. the faith required to love.

break these chains of words. mobius strip of story. let it unravel like these hateful words. let the rage air like fire to sky, blazing a signal of hope purging this chemistry of disaster. so many acts lost with the utterance of a few words. blessings wasted & refused, returned to the gods like garments unworn. words are ungrateful. unfaithful lovers.

words break things like dreams. irrevocable. scars pockmark my heart where a man inscribed a kiss like a promise. broken. misrepresented. invented. constructed with planks of fear. the foundation crumbles, losing ground. castles descend from sky to parched, infertile earth. the soil toxic now, soured by the malice of hesitation. of withholding. of doubt. disbelief.

& when the sky breaks, i will have the shelter of this red silk chamber. the inside of my heart, purified & untouched after contamination by hate. poison words. acts that spell fear. “a lover who brings fear to my doorstep is a thief.” that was written seven days ago. i hope against reason. against proof.  i test my faith by daring god to show me something different. i conquer death. my resolve is infinite. my destiny unwritten. unconsecrated by words.